Harsh speech is the third kind of speech we want to avoid when practicing Right Speech on the Eightfold Path. The first two, as you recall, are false speech and slander. I know slander and harsh speech sound similar; so how do we distinguish them?

Both slander and harsh speech come from a place of anger, and are spoken with an intention to cause pain. But harsh speech tends to be more reactionary and impulsive. While slander is often meticulously planned, harsh speech tends to come out more like an angry blurt. We overreact. Or we yell. We criticize off the cuff. It’s any time we say something belittling.

Bhikkhu Bodhi mentions three particular kinds of harsh speech for us to keep in mind:

First, there’s abusive speech. We can say we’re using abusive speech when we scold, criticize, or revile someone. These words taste bitter coming out, and are received bitterly by the recipient, too. The second is insult. An insult takes away the dignity of the person. It doesn’t honor them, but belittles them instead. Third, sarcasm. Sarcasm can be funny and inclusive at times. But sarcasm causes pain when it comes in the form of ironic praise, or when it contains what Bodhi calls a “harmful twist.” Anytime it’s a backhanded compliment, bordering on insult, sarcasm is harsh.

The Buddha said, ” Every person who is born is born with an ax in his mouth. A fool who uses abusive language cuts himself and others with that ax.” Speaking harshly is a form of being abusive. And we should realize it’s abusive to our own selves, too. When we speak harshly to or about others, we feel the effects within our own hearts. And chances are, if we’re being harsh with others, we’re not being kind to ourselves that often, either. It’s a pattern worth noticing.

Bhante Gunaratana compares the ax of Buddha’s time with the computer of today. Just as the ax has many useful properties, it can create harm when used the wrong way. Imagine how much that’s also true for the internet and social media. The same tools that create connection and social change also can be used so destructively. People react endlessly on Twitter and other platforms, and it’s so regularly angry and abusive in tone.

If we want to grow closer to Right Speech, we can cultivate patience. Bodhi says patience is the ideal antidote to harmful speech of any kind. Patience teaches us to absorb criticism instead of lashing out. We learn to tolerate blame, and hear different perspectives. And when we’re patient, we breathe and think before we respond. Which is always a better idea. When we’re patient enough to choose our words, the words we choose will more likely be wise, and kind.

This month, how can you speak more softly? Try to find a few moments where you can replace anger with patience when in conversation with others. Breathe and find a softer, gentler way to say what’s needed.

This post is part of my series on the Eightfold Path, and you can read all my posts about Right Speech here.